If You Got A Wal-Mart, You’re On The Map

Beloved, the pickin’s have been slim around here for awhile but I needed to put something on the plate just so’s you know I’m alive and, well, the other part’s not so easy for a paralyzed guy.  I have often prayed about my postings and though I’m in a season of being retrofitted (?), I felt the Lord’s nudge to share this with someone out there who could use a laugh.

Oh yes, God has a very sophisticated sense of humor.

Back in July I was languishing on my sick bed—much better now, thank you—and one of my regular readers (you’re the other one) sent this to cheer me up.  Hope it rouses a chuckle or two so you can get back to your mundane day with renewed vim and vigor. 

A TRIP TO WAL-MART

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house.  Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty.  Covered in dirt or paint.  You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.  Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20’s:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.  

You went to school with the pretty girl running the register. 

In your 30’s: 

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.  Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.  Still got it.  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with. 

In your 40’s (this’d be me): 

Stop what you are doing.  Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  

You’re bothered by the cute girl at the register who insists on calling you “sir.” 

In your 50’s:

Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don’t want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.  The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy’s bait shop and it  says, “I Got Worms”. 

In your 60’s: 

Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog doo-doo off your shoes.  The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50’s.  You hope you have underwear on so the hole in the pants doesn’t become the window to your soul.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don’t have your glasses on so you are not sure. 

In your 70’s: 

Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too.  Don’t’ even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes.

The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather. 

In your 80’s: 

Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart.  Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for.  Flatulate out loud and you think someone called out your name.  

The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you. 

In your 90’s: 

Stop what you are doing. 

8 thoughts on “If You Got A Wal-Mart, You’re On The Map

  1. Alan Powell says:

    Thanks for the laugh Scott.

    Like

  2. brotherjohnny says:

    🙂

    Like

  3. Mandy Houk says:

    It’s so good to “see” you!

    Thanks for the laugh. =)

    Like

  4. timbob says:

    Funny and yet all so true. Thanks for a good chuckle this morning. Have a blessed day in Jesus.

    timbob

    Like

  5. Genevieve says:

    Happened upon your blog and enjoyed the laugh. Hope that you’re feeling better. God bless you today.

    Like

  6. CovenantBride says:

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOL

    thx fa tha laff….be bless… -g-

    Like

  7. pasturescott says:

    Alan, JT, Marie, Mandy, Timbob, Covenant Bride and Genevieve, I am so glad to have brightened your days…Marie, your hubby is to be blamed for this…thanks for missing me, Mandy…well, y’all, I’m off to buy more Brut cologne–I used my last splash today…
    😀

    Like

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