‘Twas The Night Before Christmas (In Legalese)


Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a
certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed
by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that
St.Nick a/k/a St. Nicholas a/k/a Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive
at some time thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House,
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to
as “I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts
of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired
for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in
various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the
lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree
of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the
“Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately
eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal
co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the “Deer”). (Upon information and belief,
it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named “Rudolph” may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences
located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the
Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature.

Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or
implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House
via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was
partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large
sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.

He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant
violation of local ordinances and health regulations. Claus did not
speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children,
which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts.
(Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts” to said minor pursuant
to the applicable provisions of the U.S Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where
the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts.” Claus
immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said
House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
“Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”
Or words to that effect.


7 thoughts on “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas (In Legalese)

  1. darla says:

    this is funny! Santa best not be showing up anymore..he will live out the Miracle on 34th street as a burglar, and such misdemeanors as Smoking outside the designated areas, and heaven forbid his reindeer leave any droppings 😆


  2. Caleb says:

    I was thinking that the other day the snow on your page was falling from the upper right hand corner to the lower left corner. Today the precip is falling from the upper left to right. Does the snow ever pile up at the bottom? If I stay tuned to your page for an extended period of time would the snow ever accumulate? Huh…the snow is falling straight down now. Oh wait, no, it’s still falling from left to right. I must have crossed my leg or something and changed the angle of my screen. Uh-oh, what if I’m the only one seeing the snow….nevermind:)


  3. pasturescott says:

    Yeah, Darla, and just imagine the jurisprudence levied against him for breaking and entering…illegal parking (PETA would have a field day with that one!)…suspicious activity…exploitation of little people…I think the red dude just needs to live out his retirement in quiet reflection and the safety of the North Pole, far, far away…


  4. pasturescott says:

    Caleb, so glad I could add more confusion to your holiday season. Lord knows we need more of that! Here’s praying that you and yours are now at peace and your snow is falling just right! Thanks for stopping in!


  5. Ruth says:

    I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.




  6. Steve says:

    I enjoyed the article. It makes me look forward to Christmas again!


  7. pasturescott says:

    Hey Steve, I’m still celebrating! We have all our Christmas trees up still (yes, I said “all”)…as I tell mystified friends: scholars think our LORD was born in the early Spring…so…why not, I ask?

    Thanks for visiting!

    Merry (Ongoing) Christmas!


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