Church Issues: Message and a Bottle

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A bit of humor for your Sunday…

There is a great story about the little country church somewhere in the South. The pastor is preaching along in the great hellfire and brimstone tradition and he’s condemning all sorts of behaviors as sinful. “Men, if you want to be right with God, you are going to have to quit smoking cigars.”

Everybody yells Amen.

“You are going to have to stop smoking cigarettes.”

Again, everybody shouts Amen.

“You are going to have to stop running around with women.”

Amen.

“You are going to have to give up that demon whiskey!”

Again, the Amens ring out. Then he says, “And you are going to have to give up dipping snuff.”

The sanctuary gets very quiet, and a little old lady with teeth stained yellow and a noticeable bulge in her lower lip, snorts, I“Well, Preacher, now you’ve done it. You’ve quit preaching and done gone to meddling.”

I’m not sure, but it’s fairly likely this occurred in the same church a few Sundays later:

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And the congregation cried, “Amen!”

“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river.”

And the congregation cried, “Amen!”

“And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river.”

And the congregation cried, “Hallelujah!”

The preacher sat down.

The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, “For our closing song, let us sing hymn #365, ‘Shall we gather at the river.”

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